You can ask me anonymously, either by leaving a comment below or by e-mailing me at ElvinaLui@gmail.com

I will respond by either writing an article or by recording a video, because the topic will probably be helpful to many other people in similar situations.

If you wish that I answer you in private, just let me know, I will e-mail you in private.

Elvina Lui, M.A., MFT

1. When you are away from your partner, you do not miss him or her.
2. In fear of causing another fight, you refrain from talking about certain things.
3. You do not feel that the other person “has your back”.
4. Sex life is not fulfilling and may be non-existent.
5. You two are not in-touch with the other person’s day to day life, some call it growing apart, and it feels like there is a distance now. You might remember a time when you two were closer, had inside jokes, and could finish each other’s sentences.
6. Serious hurt has happened, like an affair; however, there has not been a real effort to “make up” or repair the damage that was done; things were swept under the rug.
7. Life has become so busy that you two do not have time for each other,–not on purpose, but because of demanding jobs or taking care of the kids, basically putting the romantic part of your relationship on the back burner.
8. You have lost respect for the other person.
9. You feel that the other person is constantly criticizing you, or maybe you find yourself frequently criticizing the other person.
10. The arguments have become so intense that you cannot control your temper or your words, resulting in damage that you did not intend.

Elvina Lui, M.A., MFT

1. You enjoy each other’s company, you want to be with the other person
2. You would say that you two are each other’s best friends
3. There is an intimate level of bonding and trust
4. You want to do things for the other person. you would happily go out of your way or make sacrifices for the other person, and you know that the other person feels the same way
5. After conflicts or arguments, you two are able to “make up” and there is no lingering hurt or bitterness about the fight
6. You feel loved, respected, and appreciated by the other person
7. There is a happy balance of “together time” and time away from each other. both of you are happy with how often the other person goes out with friends. both of you are ok with the amount of time you spend on interests or activities outside of the relationship (like sports, social gatherings, or videogames that the other person does not engage in)
8. You two know what is going on in each other’s lives, like what has been on their mind, what are they excited about lately, what are they frustrated about lately
9. You can turn to the other person for support, they are understanding. they give caring, thoughtful feedback that is helpful to you
10. You two know how to interact with each other’s friends or family, and are comfortable going to gatherings or functions together. you don’t necessarily love those people, but you do not say or do things that would put your partner in an awkward position  with their friends or family

Elvina Lui, M.A., MFT

• Parent as a team, so your relationship is not worn thin but is actually strengthened by this new challenge
• Continue to see each other primarily as lovers before you see each other as a co-parent. having a child is so exciting and is so important, sometimes the couple is so engaged in being parents together, they let go of the romantic part of their relationship. DO NOT put the child as a priority over the marriage. this may sound controversial, but if you think about it, a strong marriage is the basis of a strong parenting team. I quote Theodore Hesburgh:“The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother”. it’s true
• Do not let conflicts or frustrations turn into hurt. quickly seek to repair the damage. as soon as the anger and tension has dissipated, patch things up. this might mean apologizing, but sometimes all it takes is for one of the people to initiate conversation again or doing something silly to make the other person laugh. obviously, that would have to be after the anger has completely sizzled down
• Make time for each other, make it a priority and not something you hope to “slip in” somewhere or eventually get to. have date nights, even if it means paying for childcare. schedule it like a real appointment!
• Resume sex life–not just the act of having sex, but all the kissing and snuggling that used to happen before the pregnancy. I realize this is easier said than done, it is an uphill battle. it is especially hard if the mom is not feeling attractive, or when the child is going through medical issues.
• When it feels like there isn’t enough romance, try to find have an intimate moment with each other. hold each other’s hands. look into each other’s eyes. cuddle up closer to each other and whisper in their ear. you must jump on opportunities quickly, because as you know, your kids have endless energy and they want every single last drop of your attention

aww, look how cute the baby is! these parents have a handful … (if they had hands)

Elvina Lui, M.A., MFT

• Do you feel unhappy in your relationship? 

• Has your relationship become distant and stagnant? 

• Have problems built up a wall between you and your partner? 

• Does it feel like you cannot openly talk about problems, because each time you do, it just leads to another fight?

• Do you miss the times when the two of you were happy? 

• Do you even remember what it felt like to be happy together?

I understand what that is like, and I have helped people in your situation.

Don’t give up or settle for a dissatisfying relationship, there are practical ways to fix and revive your relationship!
All relationships go through hard times, what matters is how the couple comes together to pull through the challenges.

I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, governed by the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. I have been professionally providing counseling to couples and families since 2007, and I have seen broken, high conflict relationships reconciled and restored. While I have a variety of methods, my approach is based on the most thoroughly researched and clinically proven relationship counseling theory developed by John Gottman of the Gottman Institute.

I want to help you and your partner figure this out. Relationships are so central to our lives that it can be the source of our joy and happiness, but when things don’t work, it can drag everything down, getting you discouraged and stuck in all areas of your life.
Don’t wait any longer, contact me for free telephone consultation.

Cell Phone With Voicemail (925)786-6371
Main Office: 2603 Camino Ramon Suite 409, San Ramon CA 94583
Weekend Alamo Office: 3201 Danville Blvd. Suite 240, Alamo CA 94507
e-mail: ElvinaLui@gmail.com